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Written and Directed
by
John Hughes
CUT TO:
30. INT. LIBRARY - DAY
They are sitting on the floor in a circle.
ANDREW
What would I do for a million bucks?
Well, I guess I'd do as little as I
had to...
CLAIRE
That's boring...
ANDREW
Well, how'm I s'posed to answer?
CLAIRE
The idea is to like search your mind
for the absolute limit. Like, uh,
would you drive to school naked?
Andrew laughs.
ANDREW
Um, uh...would I have to get out of
the car?
CLAIRE
Of course...
ANDREW
In the spring, or winter?
CLAIRE
It doesn't matter...spring...
ANDREW
In front of the school or in back
of the school?
CLAIRE
Either one...
ANDREW
Yes...
ALLISON
I'd do that!
They all look at her.
ALLISON
I'll do anything sexual, I don't
need a million dollars to do it
either...
CLAIRE
You're lying...
ALLISON
I already have...I've done just
about everything there is except a
few things that are illegal...I'm a
nymphomaniac!
Claire rolls her eyes.
CLAIRE
Lie...
BRIAN
Are your parents aware of this?
ALLISON
The only person I told was my
shrink...
ANDREW
And what'd he do when you told him?
ALLISON
He nailed me...
CLAIRE
Very nice...
ALLISON
I don't think that from a legal
standpoint what he did can be
construed as rape since I paid him.
CLAIRE
He's an adult!
Allison is relishing this attention.
ALLISON
Yeah...he's married too!
Claire notes her disgust.
CLAIRE
Do you have any idea how completely
gross that is?
ALLISON
Well, the first few times...
CLAIRE
First few times? You mean he did it
more than once?
ALLISON
Sure...
CLAIRE
Are you crazy?
BRIAN
Obviously she's crazy if she's
screwing her shrink...
ALLISON
(to Claire)
Have you ever done it?
CLAIRE
I don't even have a psychiatrist...
ALLISON
Have you ever done it with a normal
person?
CLAIRE
Now, didn't we already cover this?
BENDER
You never answered the question...
CLAIRE
Look, I'm not gonna discuss my
private life with total strangers.
ALLISON
It's kind of a double-edged sword,
isn't it?
CLAIRE
A what?
ALLISON
Well, if you say you haven't...
you're a prude. If you say you
have...you're a slut! It's a trap.
You want to but you can't but when
you do you wish you didn't, right?
CLAIRE
Wrong...
ALLISON
Or, are you a tease?
ANDREW
She's a tease...
CLAIRE
Oh why don't you just forget it...
ANDREW
You're a tease and you know it, all
girls are teases!
BENDER
(to Andrew)
She's only a tease if what she does
gets you hot...
CLAIRE
I don't do anything!
ALLISON
That's why you're a tease...
CLAIRE
Okay, lemme ask you a few questions.
Allison is suddenly defensive.
ALLISON
I've already told you everything!
CLAIRE
No! Doesn't it bother you to sleep
around without being in love. I
mean don't you want any respect?
ALLISON
I don't screw to get respect...That's
the difference between you and me...
CLAIRE
Not the only difference, I hope.
BENDER
Face it, you're a tease.
CLAIRE
I'm not a tease!
BENDER
Sure you are! You said it yourself
sex is a weapon, you use it to get
respect!
CLAIRE
No, I never said that, she twisted
my words around.
BENDER
Oh then what do you use it for?
CLAIRE
I don't use it period!
Claire is on the verge of tears.
BENDER
Oh, are you medically frigid or is
it psychological?
CLAIRE
I didn't mean it that way! You guys
are putting words into my mouth!
BENDER
Well if you'd just answer the
question...
BRIAN
Why don't you just answer the
question?
ANDREW
Be honest...
BENDER
No big deal...
BRIAN
Yeah, answer it!
ANDREW
Answer the question, Claire!
BENDER
Talk to us!
ANDREW & BRIAN
Come on, answer the question!
BENDER
It's easy, it's only one question!
Claire silences all of them by screaming.
CLAIRE
(screaming)
No! I never did it!
Silence for two beats.
ALLISON
I never did it either, I'm not a
nymphomaniac...I'm a compulsive
liar...
CLAIRE
You are such a bitch! You did that
on purpose just to fuck me over!
ALLISON
I would do it though...If you love
someone it's okay...
CLAIRE
I can't believe you, you're so
weird. You don't say anything all
day and then when you open your
mouth...you unload all these
tremendous lies all over me!
ANDREW
You're just pissed off because she
got you to admit something you didn't
want to admit to...
CLAIRE
Okay, fine, but that doesn't make it
any less bizarre...
ANDREW
What's bizarre? I mean we're all
pretty bizarre! Some of us are just
better at hiding it, that's all.
CLAIRE
(to Andrew)
How are you bizarre?
Allison decides to field that question.
ALLISON
He can't think for himself...
ANDREW
She's right...do you guys know what,
uh, what I did to get in here? I
taped Larry Lester's buns together.
Claire laughs.
BRIAN
(to Andrew)
That was you?
ANDREW
(to Brian)
Yeah, you know him?
BRIAN
Yeah, I know him...
ANDREW
Well then you know how hairy he is,
right? Well, when they pulled the
tape off, most of his hair came off
and some, some skin too...
CLAIRE
Oh my God...
ANDREW
And the bizarre thing is, is that
I did it for my old man...I
tortured this poor kid, because I
wanted him to think that I was cool.
He's always going off about, you
know, when he was in school...all
the wild things he used to do. And
I got the feeling that he was
disappointed that I never cut loose
on anyone, right...So, I'm...I'm
sitting in the locker room, and I'm
taping up my knee. And Larry's
undressing a couple lockers down
from me. Yeah...he's kinda...
he's kinda skinny, weak. And I
started thinking about my father,
and his attitude about weakness.
And the next thing I knew, I uh, I
jumped on top of him and started
wailing on him...And my friends,
they just laughed and cheered me on.
And afterwards, when I was sittin'
in Vernon's office, all I could
think about was Larry's father. And
Larry havin' to go home and...and
explain what happened to him. And
the humiliation...fucking
humiliation he must've felt. It
must've been unreal...I mean,
(he's crying)
I mean, how do you apologize for
something like that? There's no
way...it's all because of me and
my old man. Oh God, I fucking hate
him! He's like this...he's like
this mindless machine that I can't
even relate to anymore..."Andrew,
you've got to be number one! I
won't tolerate any losers in this
family...Your intensity is for shit!
Win. Win! WIN!!!" You son of a
bitch! You know, sometimes, I wish
my knee would give...and I wouldn't
be able to wrestle anymore. And he
could forget all about me...
BENDER
I think your old man and my old man
should get together and go bowling.
Andrew laughs briefly.
BRIAN
It's like me, you know, with my
grades...like, when I, when I
step outside myself kinda, and
when I, when I look in at myself
you know? And I see me and I don't
like what I see, I really don't.
CLAIRE
What's wrong with you? Why don't
you like yourself?
BRIAN
'Cause I'm stupid...'cause I'm failing
shop. See we had this assignment,
to make this ceramic elephant, and
um...and we had eight weeks to do
it and we're s'posed ta, and it was
like a lamp, and when you pull the
trunk the light was s'posed to go
on...my light didn't go on, I got a
F on it. Never got a F in my life...
When I signed up, you know, for the
course I mean. I thought I was
playing it real smart, you know.
'Cause I thought, I'll take shop,
it'll be such an easy way to
maintain my grade point average...
BENDER
Why'd you think it'd be easy?
BRIAN
Have you seen some of the dopes that
take shop?
BENDER
I take shop...you must be a fuckin'
idiot!
BRIAN
I'm a fuckin' idiot because I can't
make a lamp?
BENDER
No, you're a genius because you
can't make a lamp...
BRIAN
What do you know about Trigonometry?
BENDER
I could care less about
Trigonometry...
BRIAN
Bender, did you know without
Trigonometry there'd be no
engineering?
BENDER
Without lamps, there'd be no light!
CLAIRE
Okay so neither one of you is any
better than the other one...
Allison feels left out.
ALLISON
I can write with my toes! I can
also eat, brush my teeth...
CLAIRE
With your feet?
ALLISON
...play Heart & Soul on the piano.
BRIAN
I can make spaghetti!
CLAIRE
(to Andrew)
What can you do?
ANDREW
I can...uh...tape all your buns
together...
BENDER
I wanna see what Claire can do!
CLAIRE
I can't do anything.
BENDER
Now, everybody can do something...
CLAIRE
There's one thing I can do, no
forget it, it's way too embarrassing.
BENDER
You ever seen Wild Kingdom? I mean
that guy's been doing that show for
thirty years.
CLAIRE
Okay, but you have to swear to God
you won't laugh...I can't believe
I'm actually doing this...
Claire takes lipstick out and opens it. She places it
between her breasts and applies it from her cleavage.
When she lifts her head, her lipstick is perfect.
Everyone claps. Bender's clap is sarcastic and slow.
ANDREW
All right, great! Where'd you learn
to do that?
CLAIRE
Camp, seventh grade...
BENDER
That was great, Claire...my image of
you is totally blown...
ALLISON
You're a shit! Don't do that to her
you swore to God you wouldn't laugh!
BENDER
Am I laughing?
ANDREW
You fucking prick!
Bender turns to Andrew. As he speaks, we can see his
words hitting home.
BENDER
What do you care what I think,
anyway? I don't even count, right?
I could disappear forever and it
wouldn't make any difference...I may
as well not even exist at this
school, remember?
(he turns to Claire)
And you...don't like me anyway!
CLAIRE
You know, I have just as many
feelings as you do and it hurts
just as much when somebody steps
all over them!
BENDER
God, you're so pathetic!
(furious)
Don't you ever...ever! Compare
yourself to me! Okay? You got
everything, and I got shit! Fuckin'
Rapunzel, right? School would
probably fucking shut down if you
didn't show up! "Queenie isn't
here!" I like those earrings Claire.
CLAIRE
(quietly)
Shut up...
BENDER
Are those real diamonds, Claire?
CLAIRE
(angry)
Shut up!
BENDER CLAIRE
I bet they are...did you
work, for the money Shut...
for those earrings? Your mouth!
BENDER
Or did your daddy buy those?
CLAIRE
(furious)
Shut up!
Claire starts crying.
BENDER
I bet he bought those for you! I
bet those are a Christmas gift!
Right? You know what I got for
Christmas this year? It was a
banner fuckin' year at the old
Bender family! I got a carton of
cigarettes. The old man grabbed me
and said "Hey! Smoke up Johnny!"
Okay, so go home an' cry to your
daddy, don't cry here, okay?
There are a few beats.
ANDREW
My God, are we gonna be like our
parents?
CLAIRE
Not me...ever...
ALLISON
It's unavoidable, it just happens.
CLAIRE
What happens?
ALLISON
When you grow up, your heart dies.
BENDER
Who cares?
Allison is on the verge of tears herself.
ALLISON
I care...
BRIAN
Um, I was just thinking, I mean. I
know it's kind of a weird time, but
I was just wondering, um, what is
gonna happen to us on Monday? When
we're all together again? I mean I
consider you guys my friends, I'm
not wrong, am I?
ANDREW
No...
BRIAN
So, so on Monday...what happens?
CLAIRE
Are we still friends, you mean?
If we're friends now, that is?
BRIAN
Yeah...
CLAIRE
Do you want the truth?
BRIAN
Yeah, I want the truth...
CLAIRE
I don't think so...
ALLISON
Well, do you mean all of us or just
John?
CLAIRE
With all of you...
ANDREW
That's a real nice attitude, Claire!
CLAIRE
Oh, be honest, Andy...if Brian came
walking up to you in the hall on
Monday, what would you do? I mean
picture this, you're there with all
the sports. I know exactly what
you'd do, you'd say hi to him and
when he left you'd cut him all up
so your friends wouldn't think you
really liked him!
ANDREW
No way!
ALLISON
'Kay, what if I came up to you?
CLAIRE
Same exact thing!
BENDER
(furious and screaming at Claire)
You are a bitch!
CLAIRE
Why? 'Cause I'm telling the truth,
that makes me a bitch?
BENDER
No! 'Cause you know how shitty that
is to do to someone! And you don't
got the balls to stand up to your
friends and tell 'em that you're
gonna like who you wanna like!
CLAIRE
Okay, what about you, you hypocrite!
Why don't you take Allison to one of
your heavy metal vomit parties? Or
take Brian out to the parking lot at
lunch to get high? What about Andy
for that matter, what about me?
What would your friends say if we
were walking down the hall together.
They'd laugh their asses off and
you'd probably tell them you were
doing it with me so they'd forgive
you for being seen with me.
BENDER
(furious once again)
Don't you ever talk about my
friends! You don't know any of my
friends, you don't look at any of my
friends and you certainly wouldn't
condescend to speak to any of my
friends so you just stick to the
things you know, shopping, nail
polish, your father's BMW and your
poor--rich--drunk mother in the
Caribbean!
CLAIRE
(furious and sobbing)
Shut up!
BENDER
And as far as being concerned about
what's gonna happen when you and I
walk down the hallways at school,
you can forget it! 'Cause it's never
gonna happen! Just bury your head
in the sand...and wait for your
fuckin' prom!
CLAIRE
I hate you!
BENDER
Yeah? Good!
There is silence until Brian speaks.
BRIAN
Then I assume Allison and I are
better people than you guys, huh?
Us weirdos...
(to Allison)
Do you, would you do that to me?
ALLISON
I don't have any friends...
BRIAN
Well if you did?
ALLISON
No...I don't think the kind of
friends I'd have would mind...
BRIAN
I just wanna tell, each of you,
that I wouldn't do that...I wouldn't
and I will not! 'Cause I think that's
real shitty...
CLAIRE
Your friends wouldn't mind because
they look up to us...
Brian laughs at her.
BRIAN
You're so conceited, Claire. You're
so conceited. You're so, like, full
of yourself, why are you like that?
CLAIRE
(crying again)
I'm not saying that to be conceited!
I hate it! I hate having to go
along with everything my friends say!
BRIAN
Well then why do you do it?
CLAIRE
I don't know, I don't...you don't
understand...you don't. You're not
friends with the same kind of people
that Andy and I are friends with!
You know, you just don't understand
the pressure that they can put on
you!
Brian is shocked.
BRIAN
I don't understand what? You think
I don't understand pressure, Claire?
Well fuck you! Fuck you!
Brian hides his head in his arm because he is crying.
BRIAN
Know why I'm here today? Do you?
I'm here because Mr. Ryan found a
gun in the locker...
ANDREW
Why'd you have a gun in your locker?
BRIAN
I tried. You pull the fuckin' trunk
on it and the light's s'posed to go
on...and it didn't go on, I mean,
I...
ANDREW
What's the gun for Brian?
BRIAN
Just forget it...
ANDREW
You brought it up, man!
BRIAN
I can't have an F, I can't have it
and I know my parents can't have it!
Even if I aced the rest of the
semester, I'm still only a B. And
everything's ruined for me!
CLAIRE
(with pity)
Oh Brian...
Brian bashes a chair over.
BRIAN
So I considered my options, you
know?
CLAIRE
No! Killing yourself is not an
option!
BRIAN
Well I didn't do it, did I? No, I
don't think so!
ALLISON
It was a hand gun?
BRIAN
No, it was a flare gun, went off
in my locker.
ANDREW
Really?
Andrew starts to laugh.
BRIAN
It's not funny...
They all start to laugh, including Brian.
BRIAN
Yes it is...fuckin' elephant was
destroyed!
ALLISON
You wanna know what I did to get in
here? Nothing...I didn't have
anything better to do.
Everyone laughs.
ALLISON
You're laughing at me...
ANDREW
No!
Allison starts to laugh too.
ALLISON
Yeah you are!
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