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Written and Directed
by
John Hughes
CUT TO:
18. INT. LIBRARY - DAY
Later.
Everybody has lunches now.
Claire begins to take hers out of a small shopping bag.
BENDER
What's in there?
CLAIRE
Guess, where's your lunch?
BENDER
You're wearing it...
CLAIRE
You're nauseating...
Bender grabs a Coke and tosses it over to Allison who
catches it without even looking up.
Bender then watches Claire set up a sushi platter.
BENDER
What's that?
CLAIRE
Sushi...
BENDER
Sushi?
CLAIRE
Rice, uh, raw fish and seaweed.
BENDER
You won't accept a guys tongue in
your mouth and you're gonna eat
that?
CLAIRE
Can I eat?
BENDER
I don't know...give it a try...
We now watch Andrew take a couple sandwiches out of his
bag, a bag of potato chips, an apple, a banana, a bag of
cookies and a carton of milk.
Allison opens her Coke and it fizzes over. She loudly
slurps it up off the table and her fingers.
Andrew sees Bender looking at him.
ANDREW
What's your problem?
Allison opens her sandwich and tosses the meat up.
It lands on the sculpture above.
She opens some pixie stix and pours the sugar on the
sandwich and then puts Cap'n Crunch on top of that. She
crushes the sandwich together and loudly eats it.
Bender goes over and sits by Brian, Bender takes Brian's
bag lunch.
BENDER
What're we having?
BRIAN
Uh, it's your standard, regular
lunch I guess...
Bender reaches in the bag and pulls out a thermos. He
sets it on the table and points at it.
BENDER
Milk?
BRIAN
Soup.
Bender goes in again and pulls out a juice box.
Brian reaches toward the bag and Bender slaps his hand.
BRIAN
That's apple juice...
BENDER
I can read! PB & J with the crusts
cut off...Well Brian, this is a
very nutritious lunch, all the food
groups are represented. Did your
mom marry Mr. Rogers?
BRIAN
Uh, no, Mr. Johnson...
BENDER
Ahhh....
Andrew and Claire smile at each other. Bender stands.
BENDER
Here's my impression of life at big
Bri's house...
(in a loud and friendly voice)
Son!
(in a kiddie voice)
Yeah Dad?
(loud)
How's your day, pal?
(kiddie)
Great Dad, how's yours?
(loud)
Super, say son, how'd you like to go
fishing this weekend?
(kiddie)
Great Dad, but I've got homework to
do!
(loud)
That's all right son, you can do it,
on the boat!
(kiddie)
Gee!!!
(loud)
Dear, isn't our son swell?
(quiet and motherly)
Yes Dear, isn't life swell?
Bender mimes mother kissing father and then father
kissing mother and then father punching mother in the
face.
Suddenly it's not so funny anymore.
ANDREW
All right, what about your family?
BENDER
Oh, mine?
ANDREW
That's real easy!
Bender stands again and points forward.
BENDER
(as his father)
Stupid, worthless, no good, God
damned, freeloading, son of a bitch,
retarded, big mouth, know it all,
asshole, jerk!
(as his mother)
You forgot ugly, lazy and
disrespectful.
Bender slams his hand back to slap his invisible mother.
BENDER
(as his father)
Shut up bitch! Go fix me a turkey
pot pie!
(as himself)
What about you Dad?
(as his father)
Fuck you!
(as himself)
No, Dad, what about you?
(as his father)
Fuck you!
(as himself--yelling)
No, Dad, what about you?
(as his father--yelling)
Fuck you!
He reaches out and pretend he's his father hitting him.
BRIAN
Is that for real?
BENDER
(to Brian)
You wanna come over sometime?
ANDREW
That's bullshit. It's all part of
your image, I don't believe a word
of it.
Bender actually looks hurt.
BENDER
You don't believe me?
ANDREW
No...
BENDER
No?
ANDREW
Did I stutter?
Bender comes over to Andrew and rolls up his right
sleeve to reveal a circular shaped burn.
BENDER
Do you believe this? Huh? It's
about the size of a cigar...Do I
stutter? You see, this is what you
get in my house when you spill paint
in the garage.
Bender begins to walk away.
BENDER
See I don't think that I need to
sit here with you fuckin' dildos anymore!
Bender walks over to a map table and throws all the maps
on the floor. He climbs up on top of the table and then
up to the second floor balcony.
CLAIRE
(to Andrew)
You shouldn't have said that!
ANDREW
How would I know, I mean he lies
about everything anyway!
CUT TO:
19. INT. VERNON'S OFFICE - DAY
Vernon puts an orange in his mouth and then attempts to
pour coffee out of his thermos. The top comes off and
the coffee goes all over his desk.
VERNON
Oh, shit!
CUT TO:
20. INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Vernon walks into the hallway, talking to himself.
VERNON
Coffee...looks like they scrape it
off the bottom of the Mississippi
river. Everything's polluted,
everything's polluted...the coffee.
Bender comes out of the library doors followed by everyone
else.
Bender and Claire are walking next to each other. Brian
and Andrew are walking next to each other and at the end
of the line, Allison is following.
CLAIRE
(to Bender)
How do you know where Vernon went?
BENDER
I don't...
CLAIRE
Well then, how do you know when he'll
be back?
BENDER
I don't...being bad feels pretty
good, huh?
BRIAN
(to Andrew)
What's the point in going to Bender's
locker?
ANDREW
Beats me...
BRIAN
This is so stupid...Why do you think,
why are we risking getting caught?
ANDREW
I dunno...
BRIAN
So then what are we doing?
ANDREW
You ask me one more question and I'm
beating the shit out of you!
BRIAN
Sorry...
Bender opens his locker.
ANDREW
Slob!
BENDER
My maid's on vacation.
Bender pulls out a bag of marijuana.
BRIAN
Drugs...
ANDREW
Screw that Bender...put it back!
Bender walks away.
BRIAN
Drugs...the boy had marijuana.
Claire walks after Bender.
BRIAN
That was marijuana!
ANDREW
Shut up!
Andrew follows the other two. Brian looks at Allison
who is standing there with her mouth open.
BRIAN
Do you approve of this?
Brian turns and leaves. Allison steals the lock off of
Bender's locker.
We see the crowd walking down the hall.
BENDER
We'll cross through the lab, and
then we'll double back.
ANDREW
You better be right, if Vernon cuts
us off it's your fault, asshole!
BRIAN
(to Claire)
What'd he say? Where're we going?
They see Vernon down one of the halls. We have various
sequences of them running around and seeing Vernon until
they stop.
BENDER
Wait! Wait, hold it! Hold it! We
have to go through the cafeteria!
ANDREW
No, the activities hall.
BENDER
Hey man, you don't know what you're
talking about!
ANDREW
No you don't know what you're
talking about!
Allison squeaks.
ANDREW
Now we're through listening to you,
we're going this way.
They all go Andrew's way and run into a hall closed by
an iron gate.
ANDREW
Shit!
BENDER
Great idea Jackoff!
ANDREW
Fuck you!
CLAIRE
(to Andrew)
Fuck you! Why didn't you listen to
John?
BRIAN
We're dead!
BENDER
No, just me!
BRIAN
What do you mean?
BENDER
Get back to the library, keep your
unit on this!
Bender puts his bag of marijuana into Brian's
underwear.
Bender runs away singing loudly. "I wanna be an airborne
ranger..."
We see Vernon hear Bender.
The rest of them run.
VERNON
That son of a bitch!
We see Vernon looking for Bender until he finds him in
the gym.
Bender is going up for a basket.
BENDER
Three...two...one!
He dunks the ball. Vernon enters.
VERNON
Bender! Bender! Bender! What is
this? What are you doing here, what
is this?
BENDER
Oh, hi!
VERNON
Out! That's it Bender! Out, it's
over!
BENDER
Don't you wanna hear my excuse?
VERNON
Out!
BENDER
I'm thinking of trying out for a
scholarship.
VERNON
Gimmie the ball, Bender.
Bender fakes the ball at Vernon. He then sets the ball
down and rolls it at Vernon who kicks it back at him.
They leave.
CUT TO:
21. INT. LIBRARY - DAY
The rest of the kids are all sitting back in their seats
when Bender and Vernon enter. Vernon pushes Bender.
VERNON
Get your stuff, let's go!
(to everyone)
Mr. Wiseguy here has taken it upon
himself to go to the gymnasium. I'm
sorry to inform you, you're going to
be without his services for the rest
of the day.
BENDER
(to Vernon)
B-O-O H-O-O!
VERNON
Everything's a big joke, huh Bender?
The false alarm you pulled, Friday,
false alarms are really funny,
aren't they...What if your home,
what if your family...
(a beat)
...what if your dope was on fire?
BENDER
Impossible, sir...It's in Johnson's
underwear...
Andrew laughs.
VERNON
(to Andrew)
You think he's funny? You think
this is cute? You think he's
bitchin', is that it? Lemme tell
you something. Look at him, he's a
bum.
(to everybody)
You wanna see something funny? You
go visit John Bender in five years!
You'll see how God damned funny he
is!
(to Bender)
What's the matter, John? You gonna
cry? Let's go...
Vernon grabs Bender's shoulder.
BENDER
Hey keep your fuckin' hands off me!
I expect better manners from you,
Dick!
Bender takes his sunglasses out of his pocket and lays
them in front of Andrew.
BENDER
For better hallway vision!
Bender leaves but not before pushing stuff over on the
way.
CUT TO:
21. INT. CLOSET - DAY
Vernon has put Bender in a closet and is in there
talking to him.
VERNON
That's the last time, Bender. That's
the last time you ever make me look
bad in front of those kids, do you
hear me? I make $31,000 dollars a
year and I have a home and I'm not
about to throw it away on some punk
like you...But someday, man, someday.
When you're outta here and you've
forgotten all about this place...
And they've forgotten all about you
and you're wrapped up in your own
pathetic life...I'm gonna be there.
That's right. And I'm gonna kick
the living shit out of you, man, I'm
gonna knock your dick in the dirt!
BENDER
Are you threatening me?
VERNON
What're you gonna do about it? You
think anybody's gonna believe you?
You think anybody's gonna take your
word over mine? I'm a man of
respect around here. They love me
around here, I'm a swell guy...you're
a lying sack of shit! And everybody
knows it. Oh, you're a real tough
guy...come on, come on...get on your
feet, pal! Let's find out how
tough you are! I wanna know right
now, how tough you are! Come on!
I'll give you the first punch, let's
go! Come on, right here, just take
the first shot! Please, I'm begging
you, take a shot! Come on, just
take one shot, that's all I need,
just one swing...
Bender just sits there staring at Vernon. Vernon fakes
a punch and Bender flinches.
VERNON
That's what I though...you're a
gutless turd!
Vernon leaves and locks the closet door after him.
Bender climbs into a hatch in the ceiling and
disappears.
CUT TO:
22. INT. HEATING DUCT - DAY
Bender is slowly crawling through a heating duct.
BENDER
(to himself)
A naked blond walks into a bar, with
a poodle under one arm and a two
foot salami under the other. She
lays the poodle on the table. Bar-
tender says: "I suppose you won't
be needing a drink." The naked
lady says...
The ceiling under Bender gives and he falls through.
BENDER
(screaming)
Oh shit!!!!
CUT TO:
23. INT. FACILTY BATHROOM - DAY
We see the door to the bathroom. We hear Vernon inside.
VERNON (OS)
Jesus Christ, almighty!
CUT TO
24. INT. LIBRARY - DAY
Bender walks down the stairs.
BENDER
I forgot my pencil...
We hear Vernon in the hall.
VERNON (OS)
God damnit! What in God's name is
going on in here?
Vernon enters.
VERNON
What was that ruckus?
ANDREW
Uh, what ruckus?
VERNON
I was just in my office and I heard
a ruckus!
BRIAN
Could you describe the ruckus, sir?
VERNON
Watch your tongue young man, watch
it!
We see Bender under the table by Claire's legs. He sits
up and bangs his head on the table. He groans.
Above the table, Andrew and Claire try to take credit
for the noise by making more noise.
VERNON
What is that? What, what is that,
what is that noise?
Under the table, Bender looks between Claire's legs and
can see her panties. He puts his head between Claire's
legs.
ANDREW
What noise?
CLAIRE
Really, sir, there wasn't any noise...
Claire squeals. She squeezes Bender's head between her
knees.
Everyone starts faking a coughing fit.
CLAIRE
(flustered)
That noise? Was that the noise you
were talking about?
VERNON
No, it wasn't. That was not the
noise I was talking about. Now, I
may not have caught you in the act
this time, but you can bet I will.
Allison laughs at Vernon.
VERNON
You make book on that missy!
(to Claire)
And you! I will not be made a fool
of!
He turns and walks away. We see that he still has the
toilet seat cover stuck to his pants.
Vernon leaves.
Everyone laughs except Claire who lets Bender out to a
barrage of slaps.
BENDER
It was an accident!
CLAIRE
You're an asshole!
BENDER
So sue me...
Bender gets up and walks over to Brian.
BENDER
So, Ahab...Can I bum my doobage?
Brian gives Bender his bag of marijuana. Bender turns
and walks away.
ANDREW
Yo wasteoid...you're not gonna blaze
up in here!
Claire gets up and goes after him. Then Brian.
ANDREW
Shit...
Andrew goes.
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